Centerstage - Chicago's Original City Guide

Dear Meet Market Maven,

A: Dear SQUIRT,

A similar thing happened to me when I upped my ginkgo biloba dosage, only instead of ejaculating, I suddenly knew all the words to Insane Clown Posse songs. You win, as far as side effects go. Let me congratulate you on your newfound orgasm (and your acronym). It's not everyday that we here at Centerstage get such a query. (It's every other day at least, often after our mandatory staff Truth or Dare meetings.) Female ejaculation or, as it's commonly called, squirting, gushing or Celine Dion's career, refers to the expulsion of noticeable amounts of clear fluid from the urethra (that's "pee hole" to those who don't watch ER) during orgasm.

Even though squirting has been talked about forever (even Aristotle got in on that shiznit), there are still some people who debate its existence. This is because some confuse ejaculation with incontinence (pissing yourself) and because Oprah has been too busy trying to spread the term vajayjay to give squirting the kind of attention it deserves. But let me get off my slutbox and back to your cooter. Lots of medications have sexual side effects, especially antidepressants. The most common sexual side effects reported with antidepressant treatment are erectile dysfunction, diminished libido and Dysorgasmia, which is the delay and/or disappearance of orgasm. Curiously enough, if you can't get off the meds, the solution to getting your clitoral orgasm back, according to healthyplace.com, is more drugs. I didn't know this when I made the joke way back in that first sentence, but ginkgo is actually supposed to help sexual dysfunction. Really! I'm that good.

Of course, if your squirting is causing concern, you should talk to your doctor and not a random advice columnist, who's obviously being influenced by powerful alternative medicine lobbyists. And as my bros Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope from ICP remind us: "wait a minute y'all I gotta take my pill / Zanoffs.. it works: down to only 3 people a day." Translation: while some drugs cause ejaculation, others reduce the homicidal tendencies of middle-aged, doughy, white clown fetishists from Fort Wayne, Michigan. Either way, you gotta admit the side effect is kinda dope.

Hi Anna,

A: You know, Sting, I'm really getting tired of these questions. We're all very happy that you can have 40 minute orgasms and what have you, but must you rub it in our faces constantly?

Yes, yoga is supposed to help your sex life. Increased stamina, better flexibility, dirty talk in Sanskrit—all those things are a given. But another aspect of yoga involves bringing awareness to the sensations of your body and engaging the pelvic floor, which strengthens the muscles that play a role in orgasm. Many yoga poses, such as upavista konasana or wide-legged straddle pose, increase blood flow to the pelvis and are much less time-consuming than other pelvic-inclined activities, like becoming the lead singer of Maroon 5. Still other poses, like back bends, squats and shoulder stands, can help with endurance, abdominal strength and mechanical bull riding competitions.

Contact your local guru for more information on how to perfect these poses, since I am no yoga sexpert (though as of yet, my Downward Doggystyle is unrivaled). So go ahead and focus on that third triangle; your body will thank you and so will I (but not really).