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Your Neighbor Flashed You! Your Boyfriend's a Prude!
Wednesday Feb 20, 2008.
By Anna Pulley
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Dear Maven,
My girlfriend and I have been living together for about two years. This girl she knows from college lives in our apartment building. About a month ago, when my girlfriend was at class, I was sitting on the couch playing the guitar and in walks her friend from down the hall. She sits down in the stuffed chair across from me and pulls up her skirt and I can plainly see her other brunette area. She starts talking about music and the club scene and all that, and I'm talking to her and trying to not look down but I have to admit my eyes did stray sometimes. After about half an hour she gets up and leaves.
So when my girlfriend comes home, I proudly tell her what happened, expecting a pat on the head or something. Instead, she flies into a rage, goes down to this girl's apartment and screams at her for about 10 minutes. Then she locks herself in our bedroom and doesn't speak to me for hours, claiming that what I did amounts to cheating on her, and if I ever do anything like that again, that we are done. Do you think what I did was cheating, and also do you have any idea what this other girl was up to?
Thanks,
A: Dear SNATCH (Ed. Note: This is also how I begin my daily affirmations!),
Let's review the facts: A girl nonchalantly flashed her snatch at you. You looked but did not touch the aforementioned snatch. Then you told your girlfriend about it. There are only a few places where this kind of behavior would be construed as "OK." And these places include aisle 12 in Wal-Mart and certain rooms in Macaulay Culkin's house. Though according to Encyclopedia Britannica's Big Book of Adultery, Volume 2, this particular situation does not amount to cheating, it does amount to a little something we at Centerstage like to call "paying our bills."
Your girlfriend has a right to be miffed, but only about 10-percent at you. I believe the reaction she was looking for from you was something along the lines of: "Get out of my house you free-ballin' trampy tramp! And P.S. who wears teal in February?!" The fact that you did nothing can be construed as encouragement of the naughty neighbor, and you admit that you did sneak some peaks at her muff mound, which makes your situation all the more hairy. Hopefully you didn't tell your girlfriend that you were 'gina gazing, though if you didn't, now the whole world knows, because this column is linked to Al Gore's blog. Not really, but if you google "muff diving" and "global warming" you will discover some really unappealing lasagna recipes.
But back to snatch (which is also, coincidentally enough, the name of Amy Winehouse's next album). Apologize to your gf about mishandling an awkward situation. It's certainly not something many people encounter outside of the Gem and Mineral Society brunches, so you at least have that on your side. As to what the neighbor was up to, a brief survey conducted by people I play Scrabulous with offered the following hypotheses: "Clearly she was twat blocking your girlfriend." "I think it was a test from the gf." "Maybe the neighbor was jealous of her for something she did in the past." And one girl simply said, "Maybe it's Maybelline."
Dear Maven,
How do I nicely talk my boyfriend into upping the kink factor in our sex life? I'm not talking zippered hoods or anything, I'm just getting a little sick of the missionary. Help?
Yours,
A: Dear FLOF,
Missionary sex is like the Pledge of Allegiance: Sure it rouses you at first, but after you've done it every day at school and at countless baseball games, it starts to lose its allure. Personally, I wouldn't make it to the fifth inning of any Cubs game without a riding crop and some KY Jelly. The problem with "kink" is that it's kind of a generic term, and in these sexy times, it can be applied to anything from a light spanking to a pretty good burrito from Chipotle. So, step one is to casually ask your boyfriend if he wouldn't mind taking some shibari rope knotting classes for a "class project" that you're doing. Step two is establishing who wears the assless leather chaps in your relationship. And step three is to paint the town kinky!
Try talking about your fantasies. I know, I know—communication (snore). But the better you know your partner, the better you know what his limits are, and then you can ease your way into hotter scenarios without scaring him. For instance, if he thinks that oral sex is kinky and you think putting him on a leash and making him lick the toilet bowl is kinky, there are going to be hurt feelings—and not just the kind that involve trips to the Denny's salad bar. We all have sexual fantasies that we've been taught to repress, and he may just need to be drawn out a bit in order to bring them to the surface. Watching porn together and gauging his reactions to certain things can be helpful, too. So can Excel spreadsheets. Really. Make a chart with three columns: Things I'd do; things I might do; and things I'd never do without the aid of a bungee cord and three Tibetan monks. Then compare charts. Optional dialogue includes phrases like "Hey baby, can I expand your rows?" or "How about I insert a column?" And you thought Excel was just for graphing tools and pivot tables!
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